Moving Forward After Loss

Nine years ago I had a breakdown. In 2010, my mom died unexpectedly, I met my father for the first time who was dying from cancer in 2009, and went from being an only child to inheriting four siblings.

I wish I could tell you that I handled everything with grace but that would be a bold-faced lie. I literally felt like I was losing my damn mind and didn’t have the tools to process what was happening to me. Losing my mother literally felt like someone cut off my arm and disconnected a part of me. I never felt so lost, and the weight of it all almost cost me my career and my life. I gained 25lbs., couldn’t sleep, became paranoid, had a hard time processing information and remembering what I supposed to do or what anyone said to me. I pretty much checked the fuck out and no one noticed.

Three months after planning my mother’s memorial, contacting her friends and sorting through her worldly possessions, the reality of both of my parents passing finally hit me. It was a wave of emotions filled with sadness, anger and tears. I was sitting in the parking lot of my job crying and screaming like a five-year-old. Ten minutes later, I wiped my tears, fixed my makeup and walked into a meeting like shit didn’t happen. My toughest testament, was trying to process why I was grieving a man who abandoned me and not being able to say goodbye to my mom. It felt so final and abrupt. And grieving my father felt like I was dishonoring everything my mother did for me.

When I Knew I Needed to Seek Mental Health Counseling

Soon after, anxiety, depression, overeating and drinking a glass of wine every night began to take over my life. I suddenly stopped doing all the things I loved to do: working out, taking care of my hair, building my career. I felt like a damn orphan, even though new siblings entered my life. I didn’t know how to welcome them or if I needed them in my life.

Sometime around October-November 2012, I had a moment of clarity during a disagreement with a supervisor at work who told me to get over my mother's passing. As soon as those words came out of his mouth, one or two things were going to happen in that very moment: either react to the ignorance and cuss his ass out, or remove myself from the situation. I chose to remove myself from the situation and sought a mental health professional. Within a few sessions of counseling, I began to open up about my feelings toward my parents, work-related stress, and my newly found siblings. And I felt better. I adopted self-care practices by taking better care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Practicing Self-care After Loss

As I continued my journey to reclaiming my life, I learned so much about myself, the women in my family and the true value of self-care. Of truly honoring and loving yourself. I realized that it was my mother’s lack of self-care and self-love that resulted in her untimely passing at the age of 58. You see, my mother spent her life caring for me, her younger siblings and her mother who was dying from colon cancer. It finally dawned on me that there was a pattern of poor self-care with all the women in my family, stemming from taking care of others while forsaking themselves. So ladies, please prioritize, treat yourself with TLC and truly love yourself!

5 Helpful Tips For Moving Forward After Loss & Self-Care Practices

1. Find a certified grief counselor or mental health professional.

2. Practice self-care for your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being.

3. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s the path to healing.

4. Seek and accept support. You cannot do this alone. You need the support of friends, family members, church, spiritual guidance or professional counselors.

5. Adopt healthy habits. Exercise, eat healthy and stay hydrated.

Final Thoughts

As life moves on, I will always grieve my mother. Her passing came with so many life lessons, including the importance of honoring myself and being a better example of self-care for my daughter and other black women.

As I continue my journey of self-discovery and exploring creative ways of self-expression, I hope to help as many black women find and forge their own path.

I would love to share my experiences, thoughts, ideas, passion and purpose with you. And hear yours as well. Sign up for my weekly newsletter so we can do this together!